We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize