I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
