Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Acid is not a monday night drug
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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