just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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