There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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