i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
