I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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