I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
