he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
