Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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