You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
