her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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