If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he shaved USA in his pubs
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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