I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
she pinky promised me she was 18
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
