Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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