Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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