I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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