I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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