i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
