i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
