Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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