NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
