her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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