Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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