Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
