we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
