NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
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