I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
