I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
