what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
