I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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