I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Randomize