you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
