I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
