I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
