we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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