Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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