I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
