come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
