I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
