all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
