frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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