Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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