i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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