It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
