I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
