Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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