oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
