I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
