The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
