someone threw a dead crab at me
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
