Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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