Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
