when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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