She said her name was "party"
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
