Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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