mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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