Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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