I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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