your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
