Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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