I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If that was your dad, he is hot
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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