Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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