ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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